I'm not sure that it matters in that I'm not sure if I know how to share what I feel. There are two reasons for this. 1) I feel so many things and 2) I don't blog so that you can comment and try to make me feel better. I blog to be a friend, to share, to be real. And, as you know, life isn't all rosey!
Knowing that you are there, being a friend, sharing and being real is all I need. You are not there to be used by me to help me feel better. But of course, if others are down I want to help them feel better so I guess being real involves a little hypocrisy!? ;-)
I haven't been able to run but one time since the half-marathon. It was suppose to be a long slow run that ended up being longer and slower than imaginable. I have a pinched nerve on my right side that affects my right shoulder and arm. This is from compensating for the lack of use of my left arm as a result of the clavicle/scapula fractures. It hurts so much more than the fracture. And I am a bit down that I haven't been able to train for the TC marathon coming up. Then again, I'm also over it! I have a decent half marathon base now, I'll still get in a few long runs and I'll complete my first marathon. I won't be near my four hour goal from this spring. But, hell, there are plenty of marathons in my future to worry about that. This one is just going to have to be about the fun of completing my first marathon and what is there to complain about that?
Work has been hard! Can you imagine what it's like to be around coworkers that need your help and you can't, because you can't lift? And then to have that be for two months now and with another month to go? Some may think I have it easy and I guess I would if I could let it go! But that is real tough to do in a neuro-critical care setting. There have been some good though. I understand an inkling of long term illness now and pain. I have been able to help my coworkers learn how to use our software better, I have been able to help them get paper work done, I have been able to train in new nurses to our unit and I have been training in to be charge.
Last Sunday, I volunteered at the St. Paul Triathlon. That was cool and I received a free race entry for any event that Vacation Sports manages in this next year. That was doubly cool. Oh, and talking about pain. Near the end of the race this one female crossed the line and was just in severe pain, it was her calf and it needed a massage. Badly. How do I say this, this woman was HOT looking, so I just know that when I offerred to massage it, to her mind, I was crossing into creepy territory. But you know what, while acknowledging that she was really good looking, I truly had compassion for her pain. And her looks just doesn't do me any good! What does it matter? I would have offered the same thing to anybody else and in fact I did to a man that crossed with the same lower leg cramp too! You see, I think it comes from being raised by a single mom some of my childhood, or maybe it comes from that I work with almost all women (and many of them attractive as well), and of course I have seen tons of people naked as a nurse, but I just know better than to treat a woman by her looks and I am able to turn off what I call "sex-talk" in my brain. I AM NOT SAYING THAT I AM A SAINT IN THIS DEPARTMENT! Like I said, I did notice that she was quite attractive. But I am a happily married man (thanks to my girlfriends;), I would never want to hurt my wife, my kids, the rest of my family, so what does it matter if she was good looking. And then there is a fact that a person shouldn't be judged for their looks alone to begin with (it's my understanding that attractive women may have a brain and a personality that men are suppose to pay attention to*, ...hey men, don't blame me, it's what I've been told) Like I said, it doesn't do me any good. Why should it matter to me. But it doesn't work that way, to her I'm probably a creep. And I don't judge or blame her, it's just the way it is. And maybe she didn't think I was a creep and was appreciative that I offered and just didn't want the help. Regardless, it's a shame that the potential barrier to helping her was there. It kinda made me sad.
Things are looking up though. Slowly my arm is feeling better and I get to look forward to a little vacation soon. My wife has a workshop in Providence, RI in September. It was going to be that we were going to fly together a few days early, enjoy the city and then I was on my own while she was at her event. But since these plans, I have lost a lot of income due to my injury and expenses have sky-rocketed. Plans changed and she was just going to fly out. While planning this, I calculated how much it would be to drive out (not green I know, but I've been taking the bus to work) and stay at a cheaper hotel.
Conclusion? We can both leave town for 8 days (thanks to the g-parents) including camping in outstate New York at Niagara and then the Adirondacks, then stay at a hotel for a day or two in Boston then finish off in Providence, for cheaper than the plans we had for her flying out alone and staying at the hotel of the event.
We love camping, the areas we will be at are beautiful and I need this.
Sorry for all the run on or incomplete sentences today. Perhaps I'll proofread later.
*You better understand sarcasm when you read it (or else).